Eddie Frog, he's a vampire slayer.
- I thought he was a surfboard shaper. - Well, that too.
Right. Okay.
Let me just get this straight then. So you've teamed up...
...with a surfboard-shaper-slash-vampire-hunter...
...so you can kill this guy who I'm totally crushing on...
...so you can save me from eternal damnation?
- Is that pretty much it? - Yeah, that's pretty much it.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
- No. Calm down, calm down. - No, Chris, I'm not gonna calm down.
- No. - What's wrong with you?
I tried to eat that guy, do you realize that?
Do you know what it's like for me to want to drink blood?
Do you know how disgusting that is? I'm a vegetarian.
[YELLS]
[KYLE CACKLING]
KYLE: Is he behind Door Number 1?
Door Number 2?
Or Door Number...
...3?
[GRUNTING]
[WHISTLING "IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING"]
[EVAN SCREAMING]
EDGAR: We're screwed.
There's just too many places where the nest could be.
Look, I already told you, Shane's the head vampire.
We went to party at his house a couple nights ago.
It's gotta be the nest.
There's no way that any self-respecting vampire...
...would ever live in a place like that.
I mean, they may use it as a lure or a place to feed...
...but they'd never sleep there.
Vampires...
...always look for a place with a history of human suffering.
Deep, dark, dank places.
Places that never see the light of day.
Places with lots of vermin.
Places that smell of rot and earth...
... and decay.
Nicole.
Hurry.
There's no way we can find out where the nest is...
...without you being in their inner circle.
Well, then that's what I'll do.
I'll get back in with them.
- I'm gonna become one of them. - Don't be stupid, all right?
They can read your thoughts before you have them.
Come on, man. She's family, asshole.
You hit a soft spot there.
I know what it's like to lose a sibling.
If you're gonna do this, then you have to do it all the way.
I mean, you have to be seduced by it.
You have to succumb to it.
You have to take it all the way to the brink of becoming a full vampire.
And then you have to betray them at the last possible moment.
Do you think you can really handle that?
It's the only way, Eddie.
Edgar.
Sorry, Edgar.
You know I'm right.
It's a dangerous game.
And it's one that you're likely to lose.
So just know...
...if you forget your place...
...and you become one of them...
...I'll be coming for you.
This shit's cool.
ERIK: Yo, Kyle, stop playing with yourself, man, the game gonna start.
KYLE: Fucking cheater. ERIK: You know what?
- I been calling you, brethren. KYLE: You haven't been calling me.
ERIK: Shut up.
Always with your crying.
- Dude, quit it. Fucking cheater. - Listen, don't start crying.
Check it out. Check it out.
Tape them.
- Tape them, man. - Skin out.
KYLE: So nice. ERIK: Backside.
[ERIK SCREAMS]
[KYLE LAUGHING]
KYLE: Yeah, bitch. ERIK: Holy fuck.
- What the fuck is your problem? - Motherfucker.
ERIK: You're a dead man. - Yeah, fucking blow me, buddy. Again.
- Who's the cheater now? - Fucking white people.
Pull this out. I ain't playing.
- You're gonna be all over the fucking Net. - Stop. Fuck off.
Dude, you're fucking squirting everywhere.
- You're a squirter. - Shane.
What about my brother?
I don't wanna lose him.
You won't.
Trust me.
MAN: Full name?
CHRIS: Uh, Nicole.
Em...
Emerson.
All right, we'll call you.
That's it? Just gonna type her name onto a computer...
...and hope someone turns her in like a dog pound?
- Isn't that kind of passive? - Son, we have a system.
Officer, there's gotta be something you can do...
- Sheriff. - Sheriff, I'm sorry.
I'm really worried about her.
McGRAW: We have a lot of missing persons around here.
I know. I mean, what if they're not missing, you know?
It could be something else.
Son, hit the road. We have a system.
[PHONE RINGING]
Luna Bay. Sheriff McGraw.
Really? How big?
Yeah, last week I caught about a 25-pounder.
[JON WHISTLING "IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING"]
JON: Not very helpful, huh?
Yeah, I was gonna ask them if they could help us find Lisa.
Haven't seen her in a couple of days.
Hey, didn't I see you with her last?
Where's my sister, man?
Oh, yeah, your sister.
Man, I saw her like an hour ago.
She looked like she was having a really good time.
Where the hell is my sister, man?
Oh, hey, hey. Relax, little man, okay?
Trust me when I tell you this is, right here, a time that you wanna keep your cool...
...if you ever wanna see Nicole again.
What do you want?
It's not what I want, bro...
...it's what Shane wants.
Get in the car.
[JON WHISTLING "IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING"]
[HOWLS]
How's it, ladies?
Mr. Vampire Slayer, how you doing?
CHRIS: You okay?
I'm good.
I'm really good.
Sorry about last night, man.
You were protecting your sister.
I get it.
But I'd never do anything to hurt her.
In fact, once you understand it a little more, you'll see I've given Nicole a gift.
Do you know how much the fear of death has limited you, Chris?
The negative impact it's had on your life?
You're probably not even aware of it.
And I'm not just talking about the fear of your own death, no.
Look at what the fear of losing your loved ones has done to you.
You've been so worried about losing Nicole...
...that it's made you paranoid and overprotective.
I can take that fear away.
I can make you part of a real family, Chris.
One that never dies.
Kyle's human family wrote him off a long time ago.
They thought he was suicidal.
But I saw him for what he truly was...
...an adrenaline junkie.
Erik, well, the less we say about his past, the better.
We wouldn't wanna make you an accessory after the fact, now would we?
And Jonny boy, well...
...after you shattered his knee, he was never supposed to surf again.
Look at him now.
Stronger than ever, bro.
But for you to truly understand what we are, Chris...
...you have to see the world the way we do.
You and your sister...
...will never grow old...
...you'll never die and you'll never know fear again.
But you have to take that first step.
And what's that?
It's a little something me and the boys came up with.
[YELLING]
Warriors.
- What the...? - Come out to play.
Let's go.
Oh, shit.
Now! Now!
JON: Yo, hold up.
SHANE: Let him out, Kyle.
How do you like that, bitch?
Go, go.
SHANE: Jump it, Chris.
JON: Fuck you!
- Fuck you. - Yeah.
Fuck you!
[YELLING]
KYLE: How do you like that?
Hey, on top of the world, Ma.
ERIK: Hold on, brother.
It's a private club and you're not a member.
SHANE: Not yet, anyway.
Well, what if I say yes?
Think long and hard about it, Chris.
Once you join the tribe, there's no turning back.
[AIRBOURNE'S "TOO MUCH, TOO YOUNG, TOO FAST" PLAYS ON CAR STEREO]
[MUSIC STOPS]
JILLIAN: Your check bounced.
No, it's... I transferred some money from one account to the other, so...
Save the bull for your buddies. I'm gonna need a new security deposit immediately.
It's gonna need to be in the form of a cashier's check or a money order.
Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I gave the wrong impression.
Come on, it's not that big of a deal. Just wait two days.
Just let me finish. Could you please take your sunglasses off?
I can't talk to you unless I can see your eyes.
Look, I didn't want you guys to feel like I was trying to step in...
...and act like your parents, but that doesn't mean you can go crazy here.
I saw your sister had a guy over last night. How old is she?
- She's almost, like, 18. - That means she's 17 years old.
And you coming and going at all hours of the day and night...
You know, I have a reputation to think of, l...
I realize I am not your mother, but...
But you... Doesn't mean you can behave like this on my property.
All right, I'm sorry.
Yeah, me too.
Partying all night, sleeping all day.
You both need to quit acting like a couple of vampires.
This is ridiculous.
SHANE: You and your sister...
... will never grow old...
... you'll never die and you'll never know fear again.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
JON: You're sharking it, man, you're sharking it.
KYLE: Who wants some?
JON: Now you ask?
- Where we headed? SHANE: Devil's Reef.
I hear it's firing right now.
- We're paddling out tonight? - Yeah, why not?
CHRIS: There's no moon, bet we're not gonna see anything.
[VAMPIRES LAUGHING]
What, you guys have night vision or something?
ERIK: What kind of night vision you chatting about, boy?
- Can't you turn yourselves into bats? - Way too many movies, bro.
Yeah, we don't have night vision, Chris.
Bats, they don't actually have night vision either, they have sonar.
SHANE: You know what? You're half right.
Like I told you before, we do see things differently.
Kind of like you're about to.
After you have a little taste of this.
[VAMPIRES YELL]
[BANGING]
ERIK: Bye, boy.
- You haven't seen anything yet, Chris. ERIK: No, you ain't. You're not done yet.
Wait till you see the girls we got waiting for us at the reef, bro.
It's gonna be crazy, bro.
Crazy.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
All right, my turn.
ERIK: Did you ever hear of getting your own thing?
KYLE: Did you ever hear of shutting the hell up?
ERIK: You mind yourself, boy. Mister, ease off.
All right, enough.
[KYLE CHEERING]
What? What, what?
KYLE: Camera, please.
All right, girls.
I dare you guys to kiss.
- Double dare? KYLE: Double dare.
KYLE: Oh, fuck, are you seeing this? Seriously, watch.
I think so.
SHANE: Guys? JON: Oh, hey.
- We're out of here. - Where are you going?
Back to our place...
...for a drink. - I'll come with you.
SHANE: No, hang back, Chris, there's plenty for you to do here.
Besides, this is Nicole's time.
KYLE: Just have a seat, man.
JON: Attaboy.
So check this out.
Do you know that salt water and blood are basically the same thing?
It's true.
There's a French biologist that did this experiment on a stray dog...
...around the turn of the century.
He drained all the blood out of the dog and replaced it with diluted seawater...
...and everybody thought that this dog was gonna die.
Except the dog didn't.
What they found is that all the missing blood had regenerated.
The saltwater became blood.
And after that, the dog was more alive and vibrant than it ever had been before.
The dog went on to live a long and very healthy life.
To long life, Chris.
Let me try some of that.
JON: I don't really think you'd find it too much to your liking.
You might wanna just stick with the beer.
So what exactly was the point of your very long and boring story, Jon?
KYLE: Basically, what he's trying to say is...
...we're vampires.
[WOMEN LAUGH]
- Ooh. Scary. - No, but seriously...
[IN DEMONIC VOICE] ...we're vampires.
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
Help me!
No, no, no.
WOMAN: No, please.
Let me go.
Shut the fuck up.
[SCREAMING]
CHRIS: No, no, no.
I'm thinking I love this girl. Oh, fuck, I love this girl.
Do it.
Do it!
Run. Go.
Come on.
You're fucked up, bro.
Shane's not around to save your ass and I've had it with your attitude.
Guess you think I'm kidding you, bud...
...but it ain't so.
Where's Shane now, bi...? Fuck.
You ain't got no fucking stick now, do you?
Come on, let's finish this.
EDGAR: Hey!
Who ordered the stake?
Are you cool?
Yeah, I'm cool.
I said, are you cool?
Show me your teeth.
I said I'm cool.
And I said, show me your teeth.
I am cool.
Yeah, I can see that.
We don't have time for this shit, Eddie.
We have to get to the nest and get my sister before she feeds.
That's what I'm talking about.
I hate fucking vampires.
[EDGAR SPEAKING IN LATIN]
What are you doing, man?
Turning this into holy water.
- I'm a minister. - You're a minister?
Yup. I got ordained online.
I'm officially recognized by the International Association of Online Ministers...
...as the Honorable Reverend Edgar Frog, the vampire hunter.
Did you study for that?
No. I went to the website, filled out a couple forms...
...and clicked "Ordain Me."
Now, before going into battle, there's a few things that you need to be briefed on.
First of all, when a vampire buys it, it's never a pretty sight.
No two bloodsuckers go out the same way.
Some yell and scream, some go quietly, some explode, some implode...
...but all will try to take you with them.
As far as your arsenal of vamp artillery:
We got stakes.
Got some wooden ones, got some metal ones...
...and some carbon-fibers.
I like the resins, they're light and easy to handle.
That said, there's nothing as good as the old-fashioned, classic wood job.
Safe, sturdy, reliable.
Next, we have my air-propelled-rocket grenade launcher for holy-water balloons.
This is my baby, don't touch it.
We also have one of these.
- You know how to use this, right? - Yeah, totally.
- Okay, good. - No, dude, I have no idea what that is.
It's a garlic bolo.
Never mind, I'll hold on to this one.
Let's go kill some vampires.
They know we're here.
SHANE: Are you ready?
NICOLE: I guess so. SHANE: You guess so?
NICOLE: I know so.
[MUFFLED SPEECH]
Help me.
You smell that?
Smells like fungus or death.
It's vampire BO.
What?
- What the hell are you talking about? - Just follow me.
Nicole, help me.
Evan.
I can't.
You said you were ready.
But I know him.
Well, he's the only thing that still stands between us, Nicole.
The only thing that stands between you and immortality.
If you wanna be with me...
...if you love me...
...you'll do this.
[CHRIS SCREAMS]
Quiet, man, you'll wake the dead.
Chris.
Shit.
What part of "stay together" don't you understand?
I smell ugly.
[KYLE HOOTING]
EDGAR: Chris.
Come on, Chris.
KYLE: Chris isn't here, Eddie...
...but your brother is.
Where are you?
Yup, it's ugly.
Missed.
Pop goes the weasel.
NICOLE: Chris.
Stay forever.
Live forever.
Stay with family.
Chris.
SHANE: Chris.
Welcome.
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
Chris.
I've been waiting to meet someone like you for quite some time, Chris.
Someone that would push the boundaries, someone that would challenge me.
- I saw that in you. NICOLE: Chris.
I don't wanna lose my brother.
Come on, taking in someone's essence...
...consuming living human blood...
...that's the real rush.
NICOLE: No!
Shane!
No. Shane. Stop.
You're killing him. Shane!
No!
SHANE: Nicole.
Why?
He's family, asshole.
Shane.
Shane, stop.
[SCREAMING]
SHANE: Nicole.
EDGAR: Build a man a fire...
...and he's warm for a day.
Light a man on fire...
...and he's warm for the rest of his life.
You'll be getting a bill for my services.
- Thanks, Eddie. - Hey, it's what I do.
And it's Edgar.
Hey, is it...?
Is it cool if I call you sometime?
Uh...
Okay.
Yes!
Woo-hoo!
This is completely unacceptable.
I know exactly what you've been up to.
I am telling you, it has to stop right now.
I will not stand by and watch two young people that I care about...
...fall into this trap, you hear me?
So if I so much as see one seed...
...or catch one whiff of reefer...
And believe me, I know what it smells like.
- I'm calling the cops.
No warning. We are talking zero tolerance, you got that?
End of discussion.
EDGAR: Cut the theatrics.
I know you're out there.
Show yourself.
That's a good way to get yourself staked, Sam.
MAN: Easy there, compadre.
After all the shit that you pulled?
I think you can at least hear me out. I mean, I feel like you owe me that.
You really expect me to act like nothing ever happened?
MAN: No, I've already forgiven you.
It's water under the bridge.
EDGAR: Stay there.
- You don't want it to go down like this. - Oh, it's going down like this.
I'm warning you.
Hey, I'm trembling.
[BOTH YELL]
[ENGLISH SDH]